


Townhouses

by Lelline



Series: For the love of Jack [1]
Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter/Funhaus RPF, X-Ray & Vav (Cartoon)
Genre: 2spooky4me, Alternate Universe - X-Ray & Vav, Crack, Jack the horny, Jack the oblivious, Landlord AU, M/M, Mogar's sword., Multi, Multiple Endings, What did I write?, Why am I posting this?, everyone secretly wants Jack, halloween special added, utter crack
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-18
Updated: 2015-11-10
Packaged: 2018-04-21 07:37:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4820822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lelline/pseuds/Lelline
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jack Pattillo, the world's most oblivious landlord, and his assorted tenants. They mostly want to bone him. <br/>Utter crack. The kind of crack that you think of and should never write down. But I did and I'm not sorry.</p><p>Now is a 'chose your own ending'. Because this is the height of literary splendor.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_Townhouses for rent in city center_  
_Act fast to seize one of these charming properties just off the main road. Each unit is a two bedroom, one bath multistory apartment. West facing. Original floors throughout and shared access to a large fenced yard, perfect for dogs. Minutes away from the supermarket, bus stops just at the end of the street. LGBT friendly. Extra charge for smokers. Please contact Jack at xxx-xxx-xxxx for details._  


Jack hadn’t known what to do at first, faced with the sudden possession of the sprawling property his miserly uncle had left him. It had been a surprise to be gifted the whole row of homes, though he suspected he had only inherited it to spite the rest of the family. Jack had been drifting away from the rest for years, both literally and figuratively, and since he had done the least interactions with old Uncle Hyde, he had been on the best terms with the billionare when he died.  
But even then, the gifts had their flaws.  
The units were great, a little outdated, but well-kept and in a prime location. The yard was huge and had a sprawling garden he couldn’t bear to destroy to further divide the land. And maybe some people would mind having to go outside to reach the laundry room, which had once been a cellar and maybe occupied with a bunch of massive spiders. And maybe some people would mind the fact that the only other house on the street belonged to a genderfluid person named Gus who sometimes liked to go au natural (the cops had stopped coming to collect him whenever anyone reported him. And maybe people would hate the fact the streetlights in the area never worked, that someone had gone mental and killed a ton of people there years ago and that sometimes Jack felt like there was someone watching him when no one else lived there.  
Add that to the current economy and suddenly Jack’s ownership was more of a financial drain than a gift. When his uncle had died, there had been some sort of legal issues that had kicked out the few long term occupants. So he now had a bunch of tenants to find, and he had to seriously look into finding a way to kill the billions of spiders in the laundry room. He kept finding their burnt bodies in his laundry and while he was man enough to get rid of it, it left him feeling unclean.  
He’d moved into one of the units right away, the one closest to the center since he figured it would make him more accessible to his future tenants.  
It was a surprise when the first two to respond were a pair of thin men in their early twenties. The pair were too in sync to just be friends, but Jack was hardly a hypocrite. They were Ray and Gavin, and while he wasn’t exactly sure what they did, and Gavin sometimes began to talk about justice and while a quick search of their names, lead to an article about a massive apartment fire…  
Well, they seemed honest and earnest, Ray nearly losing his mind when he saw the roses in the garden. And neither seemed to notice how cold their apartment was near the old rocking chair….  
So Jack could overlook a previous gasoline fire and no knowledge of their backgrounds if they were willing to live in one of his units and paid rent (and the insurance).  
And so they moved into the next unit over, and while he could hear them get excited every once and a while (especially about those two local idiot crime fighters X-Ray and Vav), they were quiet most of the time.

The next person to respond to the ad was even better. It was a tall, broad chested well dressed man who was definitely wearing a wig and had an eyepatch. His accent was strange, he seemed to be a little disgusted with the décor, but he rented the biggest townhouse and asked if it would be fine if he renovated inside. He even had agreed to pay extra to make up for the fuss.  
And that was good money.  
“Yaa, this be a lovely place. Be like the fo’s’cle I lived in as a lad.”  
And well, the man was handsome. And with the two next door always running around in ridiculously tight clothes…  
He would need someone else around to obsess over. Someone single and closer to his own age, even if he wasn’t sure if any of them would ever like him. And the guy said his job was something corporate.  
And he was fun to talk to.  
The next guy that showed up was less… clean. And he ranted about pirates and zombies and well…  
Rusty slept in the laundry room. But he got rid of the spiders and seemed harmless so Jack couldn’t get himself to kick him out.

He… Had no excuses for the next guy. He… He wasn’t paying rent. In fact, Jack hadn’t even given him the key. He had just thought some animal or something… ghosty… had moved into the empty unit beside him. It was a surprise to step into the place, turn on a light and suddenly see a man jumping up to face him.  
And…  
Goddamn, those abs.  
“This… This isn’t your property.” Jack tried, hoping the other couldn’t tell how flushed he was under the scruff of his beard.  
“Hnn.” The other said.  
“Look, I need to rent this place out soon.” He said, “So you need to leave.”  
The redhead just stared at him blankly for a moment before asking. “You need Mogar to give you something for this place?”  
“Yes.” Jack said, hesitating.  
The warrior began to undo the furs around his waist, “Then I will pay with my body.”  
Jack had gotten a very good look at Mogar’s… sword… before he found the strength to flee.  
And damn, he wished he hadn’t been a coward and he’d accepted the payment. It had been too long since he’d seen anyone except Gus naked.  
So then he had no idea of how to handle his new…. Tenant? Neighbour? Booty call?  
And then he steps out one day for some fresh air and sees Ray and Mogar rolling around on the lawn.  
“Get over here man, I can’t handle him by myself.” Ray called out to Gavin.  
And well…  
Jack backed off and gave them privacy. And tried not to picture the three of them together. Especially not when he saw the bruises on Gavin and Ray the next day. 

He tried to forget. But it wasn't long before he found a worthy distraction. He’d been reaching for a box of cereal, some cheap box that had been on sale all week. He didn’t love it, but with Mogar occupying one of the apartments for free, he had to tighten his budget.  
And the box was grabbed from his hand.  
He froze, then sighed before turning to face the newcomer.  
The man was dressed in a tuxedo, a broken crown on his head. And his smile was devastating.  
“Hello there.” He said, voice like velvet and his eyes skimmed over Jack. His grin widened even though the bearded man knew he wasn’t exactly at his best. He was just dressed for a quick grocery trip at 10 am on a Sunday, but the man in front of him just gave him a predatory grin.  
“HI…?” Jack said, even more surprised when the box of cereal was placed into his cart.  
“I’m Ryan.” He said, “And I hope I’m not being too forward, but I’m just mad about you.”

Jack returned to the apartment with a flush, glancing at his phone occasionally to make sure the man hadn’t texted him again. He felt like a mess, grabbing a shower and actually putting an effort into his clothes. He trimmed his beard, and even took a few moments to rub some serum in it to make sure it was soft. He even found some old ribbon in one of his cupboards. He was broke, he’d even blurted that out by accident when talking to Ryan, but the man had been so easy to open up to. They were going to go on a picnic in the park, Ryan providing the food and drink.  
So Jack found himself heading towards the garden, and he was careful about what flowers to pick, careful not to take too much of anything so that it wouldn’t be obvious what he was doing. He sat on the bench, and looked up a youtube video to show him how to make a bouquet.  
He was finishing up when the others arrived.  
Ray and Gavin were in those crazy clubbing outfits he sometimes saw them in, with the strange symbols in the front and the tight short shorts over them. They’d been making a ruckus as they spilled into the yard, coming out of that corporate guy’s home. Mogar came out of his own house, brandishing an actual sword and Jack barely breathed.  
Corporate man stepped out, looking slightly buffer than the last time Jack had seen him, and the landlord wondered if he could ask him for tips. He would like to be a little stronger, though he didn’t feel like he did too badly.  
The couple in front of corporate kept yelling, something about justice and keys and Jack let out a sigh. Mogar was skirting the edges of it all with his sword, looking a little crazed like he was hoping they’d all fight.  
Sighing, Jack stood up, heading towards them all with the bouquet still in his hands. He seemed to be arriving just in time, since Ray was reaching up to his glasses as if to remove them for a fight and the corporate man was talking in some super slow, stupid voice as if to mock them, Gavin’s hands out as if to stop the much larger man.  
“Guys….” He stepped forward, shifting the flowers in his hands. “Whats going on?”  
Everything stopped, even Mogar lowering his sword as they all stared to look at Jack.  
“We’re all neighbours here and I don’t want any trouble.” He continued.  
“Hes the corpirate!” Ray said. “We need to kick him out. He’s dangerous.”  
“Just because he works in a big office somewhere doesn’t make him dangerous.” Jack pointed out.  
“You… You’re all dressed up.” Gavin sputted. “Why are you all dressed up? You look top.”  
“Uh… Thanks?” Their landlord flushed, picking at his sweater self-consciously.  
“Dat booty.” Both Ray and the corpirate said, before shooting each other looks,  
“No! You don’t get to say that.” Ray said. “Jack! Jack! Pay attention man. Look at the outfits, look at whats going on.”  
Jack did. He noticed Mogar looking red faced and angry at the side. Noticed Gavin looking like he wanted to faint. Noticed the corporate man’s smug face and how he sometimes spoke like a pirate.  
“Is… he…. Your ex ray?” Jack asked, having no idea how the others would hear that sentence.  
“Yes. And he’s a very very bad guy. Mondo bad. Like makes your nice old lady neighbours turn into zombies and attack you, kinda bad.”  
Jack slumped a little, shooting the corporate man a look. “Really?”  
“Aye.” The man said. “Join me, Jack. I bet ye know how to fire a cannon.”  
He sighed, cradling his head in his hand for a moment. Not even five minutes before he was going to be picked up for his first date in years and now he was getting dragged into some stupid lover’s spat between the three young men who fucked on the lawn and the ex of one of them.  
“We gotta get rid of this guy, Jack. You don’t want him around.”  
“Look, I’ve got a date now.” He said. “I don’t care who fucked who, whos dating who, who is doing anything. If you fight you’re kicked out.”  
“No… Wait… What?” Ray said. “No one is fucking anyone.”  
“You don’t need to hide it. I know you and Gavin are a thing.” Jack said, pointing at the confused duo (was it him or was Gavin looking even greener now), and then he motioned to Mogar. “And you seem to like rolling around with him occasionally, which I completely understand given the size of little mogar.”  
“Little…. You saw him naked?” Ray said, sounding betrayed.  
“It was before whatever arrangement you all have started.” He tried to reassure him. “Or at least I think so. He tried to pay for his rent with his body.”  
“We can do that?” Rusty asked, peaking out from the laundry room.  
“No. You can’t.” Jack said, trying to remain calm.  
“Jack.” Ryan’s voice drifted over, and there he was, dressed to impress in a different tux, crown gleaming just as brightly as his eyes. “Are you ready?”  
“The mad king.” Mogar growled, raising his sword again.  
Jack sighed, “You guys know him too?”  
“Hes insane.” Ray said. “Insane!”  
“He does these things!” Rusty said. “Dark things. With holes.”  
Jack gave up, moving away from the others to go grab Ryan’s hand. “I sure hope so. Come on Ryan.”  
The mad king gladly led him off, shooting a manic grin back at the others as they walked off.  
“Avast.” The corpirate said, glancing at the others once they were alone.  
“How is he so bloody oblivious?!” Gavin finally raged, having regained his voice now that he wasn’t tongue tied by the sight of his landlord.  
“I still haven’t given him what I owe.” Mogar said, “We must follow them to ensure that man does not end him before that.”  
“Seriously dude?”


	2. Halloween Special

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The halloween special no one wanted.
> 
> Hey, look at least it has an ending now.

Jack had almost wished that he had stayed long enough to listen to the warnings of the others, if only to spare himself the horror of realizing who the man was mid-date.  
Everything had been perfect until then. Ryan had been a gentleman, the picnic had been delicious (and had been a nice size), and there had even been some wine and flirting, before Ryan had started talking about his past and future plans.  
Jack had been amazed to learn that the man had been a CEO, and that he had spent a lot of time giving puppies to old men, though he had some sort of creative differences with Mogar’s mother…  
And okay, it had been a little misogynistic of the guy to call her a cow. Jack was barely paying attention to what he was saying, lured in by his voice and his roguish looks.  
He did tune back in though just in time to hear the most important line of all.  
“And with you by my side, I will rule over this stupid city and finally have my throne.”  
With that, everything clicked into place and Jack was soon making excuses to go home, honestly horrified by his own obliviousness.  
“Jack!” Ray called out as soon as the mad king dropped Jack off in front of the building. He looked worried, and Jack was never so glad to see the green spandex.  
“Jack…” Ryan was trying to lure him back. “I don’t know what I said or did-”  
“You’re a politician!” Jack proclaimed finally, stomach twisting at the thought. “You’re a politician.”  
“No I’m not.” Ryan said. “I’m a supervillain, its completely different. Come on, Jack.”  
“No. And stop making fun of me.” Jack said. “I can’t believe I almost dated a politician.” He went inside to wash in boiling hot water and ignore the loud noises coming from outside. 

In the morning, Jack resolved to do laundry only to be confronted by a distinct lack of roses in his garden.  
In fact, he was confronted with a distinct lack of garden, with only a pile of upturned earth and a crater in its place.  
He took a deep breath, stepped over the rubble, and made his way into the laundry room. He ignored the blanket/box fort in the back, not wanting to wake Rusty up since the hobo was the least destructive on his tenants, even if he wasn’t actually a tenant and really should have been evicted by now.  
Jack took his time loading the laundry, even though he already knew that more spiders would somehow end up getting in just to die in the drier, and then headed upstairs to drink a large coffee.  
There was a stack of papers waiting for him on his front porch.  
Taking them, he sighed, wondering if it was too late to sell the houses and move far away to Canada.  
It was a tenant agreement, artfully forged and with the rent three times as high as it should be and with a landscaping clause to fix his gardens.  
Jack couldn’t even get himself to evict the hobo from his laundry room, or the half dressed tarzan from the next condo (And damn, how did a man like that come from a woman savy enough to ruin the plans of a politician.)  
Ryan moved in with the corporate guy (his name was Geoff according to the paperwork) and Jack resigned himself to living with sexual frustration and dismay for the rest of his life.

It was a pretty smooth transition, having all six of them and Rusty living in the same complex, but Jack did not mind the occasional bit of noise and excitement. It seemed that the three units did not get along at all anymore, though sometimes Jack wondered if the Ray, Gavin and Mogar dynamic was some weird form of foreplay, and Rusty just antagonized them or laughed at Jack when he tried to figure out what the hell was their problems.  
Jack decided the minds of ravers, politicians and businessmen were just outside of his realm of knowledge and enjoyed the new garden.  
Strangely enough, there were no spiders in his laundry that morning, or for the next few weeks. Jack hoped that meant that they had been coming from the old garden and were destroyed by that earthquake or home bomb (were Ray and Gavin arsonists or something-they had caused fires before).

The Jack finally clued into the dangers of his housemates the week before halloween.  
He had been out in the new gardens, admiring the flowers when Gavin approached him, looking a bit scared. "Jack... There's... There's something going on right now. I think maybe you should leave town for a bit... Get away. For your own safety."  
"Oh." Jack said, stomach plummeting. "So I'm not being paranoid then."  
"I don't understand how you're not getting it. We've been trying to show you for weeks but you just can't see it." The Brit continued looking frustrated. "It's dangerous here, and you're just a regular citizen."  
"I know." Jack said. "I already tried to call in professionals, but they said they didn't think they could help and then sent a fruit basket in apology."  
"Wait, what?" Gavin frowned. "Who did you call?"  
"It doesn't matter." Jack said. "The main thing is that we should all try to use the buddy system until things either get resolved or they calm down."  
"They aren't going to calm down." The blonde frowned, looking terrified. "Last night Ray and I saw them... I think they're going to go after you."  
Jack managed to stay on his feet only through sheer force of will. "I, I'll be alright. I bought things to keep me safe."  
"Like what?" Gavin said, "I have a friend, she might be able to make you a gun."  
Jack sighed, wondering about how Gavin survived so long with so little understanding of the world and such an oblivious nature. "Guns don't work on ghosts, Gavin."  
"... Ghosts?"  
"What, do you think they're boggarts or something? The worst one is in your apartment. You should salt your bedroom doorway and windows just in case. I'm not sure if the murderer is here."  
"What murderer?" Gavin was turning pale. "What are you talking about?"  
"The ghosts of the families that were murdered here." Jack said wishing he was religious enough to do that Catholic cross gesture. It seemed like it would be a reassurance in times like that when you knew you were helpless.  
"The bloody Mad King and the Corpirate are living in your home and you're worried about ghosts. You're mad!"  
Jack figured Gavin had been pretty spooked by the new knowledge so he ignored how nonsensical he had been. He left a box of salt and a ward on their step, just in case he wasn't being paranoid.  
There was some big showdown building up between the younger tenants and the older ones (he figured it had to do with the new DC movies coming out since they kept talking about Justice vs evil and all that.  
The spiders were still gone, and Rusty was too, the man saying something about cult meetings and bad mojo.  
He was the smartest of them all.  
Jack should have brought it up to the others, seen if anyone was more practical than Gavin and recognized that if there was such things as ghosts, this would be the time of year to be afraid of them.  
Instead, he tried to ignore the shadows out of the corners of his eyes, and tried to ignore the way his kitchen knives kept moving and he tried to ignore the way he would wake up gasping for air, as if something had been pressing down on him in his sleep.  
Trouble began when the sun set on Halloween, Jack setting himself up near the front door in case of the stray trick or treater.  
It was 6 pm when the door rattled, then there was a pounding noise, like someone was trying to force their way in.  
Jack opened the door, surprised to see Mogar standing on the other side, sword out.  
"Mogar heard screams." The warrior said, forcing his way in and closing the door. "Was it your box of plays?"  
He gestured towards the tv, which was playing Beetlejuice.  
"No." Jack said. "I've been staying quiet in case kids come trick or treating. I wanted to be able to hear them. Was it coming from the other side?"  
"Perhaps." Mogar scanned the rooms, adjusting his grip on his sword. "there is a dark presence here. Angry spirits."  
"Is it the ghosts?" The landlord worried, "I should get the salt, do you think Gavin and Ray are alright? Their apartment was always the creepiest."  
Mogar frowned, then nodded. “Follow Mogar. I will keep you safe.” He reached out and grabbed Jack’s hand, before leading him towards the door.  
The door wouldn’t open at first, and when it did Jack’s heart plummeted.  
“This door lead outside before.” Mogar growled, peering into the dark corridor. “What is this?”  
Jack clutched his box of salt to his chest and squeezed the warrior’s hand, mute from terror.  
There was a noise behind them, some sort of shrieking cry and Mogar acted fast, pulling Jack out into the hallway as Jack’s kitchen exploded with a rain of knives and glass. The warrior barely shut the door in time, a knife tip making its way through the wood, dangerously level with Mogar’s face.  
“What the hell was that?” Jack whimpered. “Ghosts can’t do that.”  
“They can tonight.” Mogar said calmly, taking Jack’s hand and heading towards the only other door in the hall.  
The door opened before they could get there, showing what had to be Gavin’s room. The bedspread was the union Jack and there were photos and gadgets everywhere, but the colors seemed muted, except for the reds that seemed too much like blood.  
The rocking chair in the corner was moving.  
Mogar kept his sword pointed at it, as if the blade could cut through spirits. Jack just adjusted his grip on his salt and tried to remember what he’d learned from binge watching supernatural on netflix.  
“Uhh…” Gavin stepped in right after them, and Jack turned to see the creepy corridor had disappeared, leaving just the normal hallway and a nice view of Gavin in tiny union jack boxer-briefs.  
Gavin seemed to remember his nakedness a moment too late, diving for his dressing gown. It was green and patchy, and just ugly enough to make Jack forget Gavin’s happy trail.  
“We have a problem.” Jack said, mind scrambling to come up with a way to explain it.  
“A ghostly one.” Ryan said, peering in from what should have been Gavin’s closet. Instead, it was that creepy corridor, Geoff behind him holding some sort of gun.  
“Get in here.” Jack hissed, as the rocking chair suddenly stopped moving.  
Gavin grabbed the salt from Jack and just shook it around everywhere. Jack doubted thats how it worked, but it made him feel better, especially as the other two men came in from that creepy corridor and Gavin’s closet reappeared behind them.  
“What now?” Jack asked, honestly terrified. “Where is Ray?”  
“Hopefully he isn’t Ghost Ray now.” Gavin said weakly, glancing out of his door into the hallway.  
He simply stepped back and closed the door, making a thick salt line on the floor and then going to his bed. “Don’t look out there.”  
Geoff ignored him, going to the door. He glanced out, then shut the door just as quickly as Gavin had. “There be a man there, cleaved to the brisket.”  
Jack’s legs gave out, and he just started at the lines of salt on the ground. Mogar kept his grip on Jack’s hand, growling threateningly at the rocking chair.  
It began to move again to spite him.  
Ryan came over, frowning and kneeling down beside Jack. “Are you alright?”  
“I’m okay.” Jack said softly. “I just… how is this happening? Why is this happening to us? We’re just normal people.”  
“About that…” Gavin started.  
“Shut up.” Ryan snapped. “This is the worst possible time for him to finally clue into that.”  
Mogar grunted, standing strong in front of Jack and keeping his hand in his.

In the morning they were all curled up together in Gavin’s bed, the salt making it uncomfortable to lie on the floor and none of them wanting to go near the chair.  
“Gavin have you seen my-... what?” Ray strolled in, blinking in confusion at the pile of bodies on Gavin’s bed. “Why is- What….?” He stuttered, then gave Gavin a betrayed look. “Why are they all here? Are you sleeping with all of them?”  
“Come.” Mogar said, grabbing Jack’s hand. “We should let the colored people argue in peace.”  
“What?” Jack grew even more confused.  
“I’ve told you not to say that.” Ryan said, voice groggy from sleep, but he wrapped his arm around Jack, pinning him against the man’s strong chest. “And I think he should come with me and Geoff instead. We’re on the other end of the building, it would obviously be the safest there.”  
“Safest? You’re a supervillain.” Gavin cut in.  
“He’s a politician.” Jack corrected, “Which is worse.”  
“Mogar is a warrior.” The swordsman tugged on Jack’s arm. “He will keep you safe.”  
“Jack is much too precious a jewel to go to you.” Ryan hissed. “Don’t you get it, his obliviousness is part of the appeal. No matter what we say or do he will stand beside us. He-”  
Jack elbowed him in the ribs and pulled free of Mogar’s grip, giving him an appologetic smile. “I’ll be fine on my own. I’ve gotta fix my kitchen.”  
He completely missed the rising tensions in the bedroom after he left. Though when he heard yelling and noises later on, he wondered if he was missing a particularly intense orgy.

A purple haired woman showed up two days later, dressed in a lab coat and with a flying disco ball behind her. “Hi.” She greeted Jack, side eyeing the still embedded knife in the door. He’d thought about removing it, but it would leave a hole in his door and it was cold outside. Another door was ordered. “Xray and Vav sent me. They said you had a ghost problem.”  
“How did they hear about that?” Jack wondered aloud before stepping aside to let her in. “Come in. Are you an expert in ghosts?”  
“No. Not really.” She said, pulling a massive scanner out from no where. “But I had some tech laying around and they told me you were too oblivious to care about any side effects so here I am.”  
“Would you like something to drink?” Jack said. “I’ve got some tea.”  
Another woman had followed her in, a pretty little thing. “Is it true that your home is the sight of a real life haunting?”  
“You’re a reporter aren’t you?” Jack blinked at her. “This is why I should have never let a politician move in here.” He sighed, then went to start the kettle. Even if they didn’t want anything, he would need a lot of instant coffee to survive whatever was going to happen next.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know if you want more for some reason.


	3. Generic Ending

It turns out that the scientist was going to be  
able to remove the ghosts.  
She had come up to Jack, gave him a searching look and then frowned at Jack. “You know, you can’t live here with them all. It's dangerous.”  
He nodded, “I know, but we’re working on that.”  
“Trust me, I spent years as an employee of theirs. I would not want them to know where I sleep.”  
Jack felt a little slow for a second, before he just ignored his own confusion and nodded. “Alright. I'll be more careful.”  
He really wanted to ask questions, but it would be rude, especially since she was currently setting up equipment to save his home. How had she worked for ghosts? Did they pay her with real money? Had she met the ghosts of anyone famous?  
It was a relief when she kicked him out of the building, the sunshine washing away the leftover chills of the house.  
The others were all outside as well, Hilda having taken over the building for the next few days. Jack was thinking of crashing in a hotel, or perhaps even finding a cabin to rent and getting to relax.  
The corporate man, Geoff greeted him with a smile, waving him down.  
“Do ye have sea legs? My skiff be a fine lady, we could set out on the sea until the lass is done.”  
“Or we could go on a cruise.” Ryan spoke up. “I could show you the world.”  
“Sorry.” Jack said, holding up his hands to stop them both. “I'm not sure I would ship well with either of you.”  
“I disagree,” The reporter girl murmured.  
“Ash.” Gavin hissed, looking betrayed.  
“Sorry, it'd just make a good story.” She murmured back, obviously trying to be sly.  
Jack wasn't sure what kinda story that would be, or who would really want to read about him alone out at sea with either of them.  
Hilda peaked out, that disco ball behind her carrying a long cord, “come on Ash.”  
“Sorry.” She perked up and raced after the purple haired girl, camcorder in hand.  
“They're a cute couple.” Jack said with an amused smile.  
“I could think of cuter ones.” Ray slid up beside him. “Come with me, Jack. We can just hang out at my Mom’s basement and play games. You can crash on the couch.”  
“Sure.” Jack nodded, glad for the chance to save on hotel fees.  
“Really? I just offered you a cruise and you’d rather go to his mom’s basement.” Ryan sputtered.  
Jack shrugged. “Ray isn't a politician.”  
“Neither am I!” Ryan said. “I'm a king.”  
Gavin grabbed Jack’s hand. “Come on, Jack. You’ll like it at Ray’s.”  
Jack barely had time to grab his bag before he was being dragged off. The younger men were excited, discussing what games to play, but Jack glanced back.  
“Should we take my car?”  
“No.” Ray said with a laugh. “It's not that far.”  
It really wasn't, since they were going straight to the house of Jack’s only neighbour.  
“Oh Ray, sweetie.” Gus answered the door in a pretty blue dress, lipstick contrasting with his beard. “You brought a new friend with you today.”  
“Mom.” Ray greeted his parent with a kiss to the cheek. “This is my landlord, Jack.”  
“We’ve met.” Jack said, a little amused.  
“Ray’s mom is top.” Gavin told him earnestly. “She used to be a model.”  
Jack doubted that. He’s already seen too much of Gus.  
“You're Ray’s mom?” He asked, brow furrowing.  
“I know what you must be thinking. #raysmomishot.” Gus said, leaning up against the doorway in an attempt to be alluring. “But keep in mind I am a sensitive woman and you should treat me with care.”  
“You like to run naked down the roads.” Jack deadpanned.  
“I have to express my individuality. Just as my son does by wearing that silly green suit and walking the streets.  
And with a start, Jack realized the two men weren't ravers.  
They were strippers. It all made sense suddenly. Their strange clothes, Mogar’s lack of clothes and tendency to sell his body for rent.  
Jack just nodded, letting the two men drag him past Ray’s mom and downstairs to the basement.  
They had tons of games, but Jack’s mind was stuck on their lives as exotic dancers. He didn't mind people doing whatever they wanted, and as long as they were safe about things and had system going to ensure their Johns weren't serial killers, he would never tell them they were doing wrong. A job was a job and illegalizing it was just endangering people more in his opinion.  
That didn't mean he wasn't suddenly painfully aware that he could buy sex from his friends. And that thought was strange and appealing in its own ways.

He sleeps on the couch, with Gavin and Ray crashing on bean bags on the floor. He pointed out hey didn't have to, and that they could go upstairs and sleep in Ray’s old bed, but the two were tenacious and had even fought over who got to sleep closer to him. It was nice. He hadn't done the sleepover thing since he was 8 or 9.  
In the morning, the two lads had to go to work, and it was weird seeing them in the tight spandex.  
He had to walk off his dirty thoughts, hoping no one could tell he was a pervert.  
The town was mostly deserted, though when he saw the state of the roads he realized why. The potholes in the area seemed to have doubled overnight, and some of the buildings were needing a coat of paint, long burn like stains covering their walls.  
It had to be one of those community beautification days, especially since a crowd of people were running past him yelling something about giant monsters. They must have meant the cemented mixers or something the city would need to fill the potholes.  
Jack ducked into his favourite secondhand store, eager to see what new finds they had. There was a ship in a bottle, a happy cow figure, a little white mask that reminded him of Sailor Moon, a bottle marked L’eau du clochard, a shovel, headlighter fluid, a box of salt, a hat with the words “mind control” on it and various cables attached to it, a tank manual titled “6 pedals, 4 directions”, spandex cleaner, a small cat tree, and a sledgehammer.  
He glanced at the prices, surprised to see they were all $10. He had that exact amount in his pocket, but hesitated, not sure what to pick.  
“You.” A finger jabbed him in the side, making him turn to see a preteen boy standing next to him. The kid was dressed rather adorably like a superhero, though he was a little too big to pull of a towel-cape. “You're their new best friend.”  
“What?” Jack frowned, not sure who he would know that would hang out with a kid.  
“Come with me.” The kid grabbed his wrist, hauling him out of the shop empty handed.  
Jack went along willingly, wondering if the kid was Ray and Gavin’s friend. They’d be the closest in age.  
His mind went blank at the sight of the army of mutant dragon-dinosaurs in front of him.

As he was tied up and hung from the nearest radio tower, Jack finally came to a startling conclusion about his neighbours.  
He had no idea what pronouns to use on Ray’s mom.  
There was also the startling realization that if Ray and Gavin wore spandex, knew supervillans and we're currently fighting their way through the city full of dinosaurs to save him that they might actually be superheroes.  
He was just glad he hadn't asked them about exotic dancing. That would have been embarrassing.  
Ryan and Geoff were also making their way through the crowds, both dressed in formal suits (though Ryan had that kilt).  
The kid stood beside Jack, laughing hysterically. “Now they have to see that I'm powerful. Now they have to see I'm the best sidekick they could ever have.”  
“Okay.” Jack said. “Where did you get these monsters to?”  
“eBay.” The kid shrugged. “I got the growth pills off an email though.”  
“Growth pills?” Jack sputtered.  
“You know the ones. ‘Grow ten inches overnight. Give her the monster experience.’” The kid said cockily. “They work great on iguanas.”  
“How are you controlling them?” Jack asked.  
“I'm not.” The kid laughed, before his face dropped, face goof pale. “Wait, I'm not.”  
The monsters seemed to realize it at the same time and suddenly a particularly large one was turning towards them, looking hungry.  
“Jack!” Gavin cried out, “don't worry we’re coming. We’ll save you.”  
“Not if we get there first.” Ryan called out.  
“Mogar will protect his chosen mate.”  
Dragon face was trying to avoid a dragon’s face, bailing from the building using a parachute and trying to get away, leaving Jack literally hanging.  
“Nice dinosaur.” He hummed as a smaller one looked at him. “Good dinosaur.”  
A sword, a laser beam, and a rocket crashed into it all at once, keeping him safe as his five highly dangerous tenants made their way to him.  
They had all reached him at once, each looking ready to argue with the others until they saw the honestly lost expression on Jack’s face.  
They helped him down, Gavin slowing his fall enough that Geoff could catch him easily and lower him down.  
They all gave him space, and most of them looked a little dismayed when he finally said. “You're all superheroes and villains.”  
“Mogar is Mogar.” The best man shook his head. “Not a villain or a hero.”  
“Were any of you going to let me know?” Jack said. “ I thought half of you were strippers.”  
“Strippers?” Ray sputtered.  
“And politicians.” Jack continued.  
“So…” Ryan pointed out. “You now know I'm not a politician. Will you date me now?”  
“No.” Jack sighed. “I'm going to get a stiff drink, stay at a hotel, and then when the apartments are safe I'm going to seriously reconsider selling them.”  
“Jack-” Gavin looked stricken. “No-”

Jack wasn't going to sell them.  
He realized it even before he stormed off, realized it as he remembered that he couldn't even get himself to evict the hobo or the bearman that were squatting on his property. That didn't mean he couldn't make them think he would for a few days

Hilda called him two days later, telling him he could go home.  
“The place might smell like sulfur and blood for a few days.” She said as she packed up the last of her equipment. “If you see or hear or feel anything strange, call me right away and take notes. This should have handled ghosts up to class F.”  
“ okay.” He nodded even though the words were half gibberish to him.  
“Also-your-bedsheets-are-in-the-dryer. Okay? Bye.” She flushed as she headed out.  
That had been considerate of her and Ash, though his sheets had been clean when he left. Still, it was nice of them to think of trying to give him a fresh bed to return to.

The others arrived home a few hours later, and he sent out a text to them all telling them to meet him in the garden and to get Mogar.  
It was time for him to put down some rules for their home.

Back in the shop, a little girl was sat behind the counter, making a face at her cat as she poured over a certain magical/scientific book. She had tried to write, but her ending was lacklustre and her OtP hadn't happened. Tearing out two pages, she was back at the part where Jack had been staring at the items on the shelves. Each was important for deciding Jack’s ultimate fate, though some endings would be stupidly short.  
\--------------  
Ship in a bottle. The sails are made out of stock market prices  
Happy Cow figurine  
Tuxedo mask mask  
L’eau du clochard  
Shovel  
Headlight fluid  
A box of salt  
Mind control device  
A tank driving manual labeled “6 pedals, 4 directions”  
Spandex cleaner  
Cat tree  
sledgehammer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Will write out endings as you request them. They aren't all going to be equally good and some might be quicker to write than others.


	4. 4 pedals, 6 directions ending

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As asked for by youkoartemis :D

It was a beautiful day for a wedding.  
Jack had never been more jealous than when he stepped into the church and saw how well everything was decorated. It turns out that Hilda had the money and Ash had the designs to make a dream wedding, and he knew the two were going on a huge european tour for their honeymoon.  
Now more than ever he wished that one of the others were normal. He wasn’t sure if he could handle being the partner of someone who wore spandex or blew things up for a living. He wasn’t even sure if any of them had day jobs.  
It was no just minutes before the ceremony, and Jack was standing outside to wait for the last of the wedding party to arrive. It was a man named Joel, and he was apparently one of Ash’s old friends and her military information source.  
Jack startled a little as he heard a loud engine. A massive tank made its way up the road, decorated with a ‘Just married” banner.  
Of course they’d want something that dramatic.  
Jack could hardly complain when he saw the man who climbed out of the tank. He was handsome and spunky looking, hair a little wild but suit perfectly tailored, a few blue flowers in his lapel.  
“Hi the man said, grinning as he spotted Jack. “You must be Jack.”  
“And you’re Joel?” Jack was suddenly glad he’d decided to walk Ash’s friend up the aisle.  
The man suddenly fumbled falling back into the tank a little. The tank hummed to life and he could hear the man’s little curse.  
“New target acquired.” A woman’s voice hummed.  
“Thats not a target. Thats a church.”  
“Is everything alright?”  
“Target locked.”  
“What? No. Target unlock. UNLOCK! Please help me nice lady.”  
“Firing main cannon.”  
“Uh oh.”  
“UH OH.”  
“Oh sonofa-”  
And with that, the church exploded, killing everyone inside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bad ending :D
> 
> If you're confused please watch the end of RvB episode 8 season 1.
> 
> Ship in a bottle. The sails are made out of stock market prices  
> Happy Cow figurine  
> Tuxedo mask mask  
> L’eau du clochard  
> Shovel  
> Headlight fluid  
> A box of salt  
> Mind control device  
>  ~~A tank driving manual labeled “6 pedals, 4 directions”~~  
>  Spandex cleaner  
> Cat tree  
>  ~~sledgehammer~~


	5. Sledgehammer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As requested by Ineedaname9

There was something cathartic about taking a sledgehammer to the old walls of the house.  
Jack was enjoying it a little too much, smashing through it all and breaking straight through to the other side.  
They’d had the units evaluated by inspector, and it had been the last two units that were determined to be the easiest to convert, leaving the other units to remain rentable.  
He stopped only when the wall was gone, and he rose an eyebrow when he saw Mogar waiting on the other side.  
“You are strong.” The man purred as he came over, leaving over the gap in the floors to kiss Jack hungrily. Jack chuckled, putting the sledgehammer down to kiss him back.  
“Come on you guys.” Gavin came up, little smudges of paint on his clothes from where he had been painting their new kitchen. “Rye got the pizza.”  
Jack nodded, eagerly following the blonde down. The bottom floor was already mostly converted, and the city was now perfectly safe, with five superheros around to guard it from evil.  
Ryan, who now really was a politician, despite Jack’s protests, was finely dressed, standing out a little compared to the others. Even the corpirate was dressed in just a loose white shirt and black pants, looking like a real pirate. His clothes was dusted with wood shavings.  
And they were now all a happy family.  
They ate, laughing over Ray’s excitement over free food, and as Geoff broke out some beer it just got better. Jack had a beer, but soon was distracted by Gavin’s clever fingers and the feel of Geoff’s mustache against the back of his neck.  
He had a family now, and as they turned two of the rental units into a home for them all, Jack wondered how he had been so lucky

In the real world, Jack was sitting in a wheelchair, staring out the window blankly.  
“Are there any treatment options available?” The new doctor asked. “What is the official diagnosis.”  
“Its a form of dementia, though we haven’t seen this exact kind before. We’re using him as a case study, since his symptoms have come in so strange.” The head of the mental hospital said. “His friends and family have said he was displaying low level symptoms for years. He was oblivious to obvious information, was unable to understand some concepts even when they were spelled out for him.”  
“Oh Jack….” The newcomer murmured softly, heartbroken.  
“He broke down right after purchasing a sledgehammer in a thriftstore.” The head doctor continued, not noticing the other’s distress. “He had no reason to have purchased it, no plans for renovating his building-”  
The other ‘doctor’ finally pulled out a freeze ray, shooting the head shrink before he finally pulled off his disguise. “Oh Jack.” Geoff murmured again. “Come with me laddie, the sea air will clear ye head.” He grabbed the wheelchair and steered him out. Jack was smiling at least, happy in his own delusions.


	6. Box of salt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Box of salt ending as requested by Youkoartemis

Hilda let Jack return to his home that night, though he was a little surprised by how cold his house was. The corners were the worst, and there was a moment in the shower where he could swear he heard breathing that wasn’t his own.  
Deciding to call Hilda again in the morning, he set up his protective lines in his doorways, made a ring around his bed, and then tried to sleep.  
It was hard to sleep, his mind occupied by a certain tenant. He sighed, then reached down to grasp himself.  
He was nearly there when the first of the noises began, and he shot up faster than a guilty teenager, reaching for the light.  
There were terrible noises coming the hallway and he grabbed the box of salt and his phone, turning on the flashlight app just in time for the lights to start flickering.  
There were wet thuds and some groans coming from the hallway, undercut by little whispers that cut him right down to the bone with chills. Blood began to seep out from under the door, rushing straight through the line of salt and making Jack’s stomach drop.  
The door opened, and for a few blessed moments there was nothing there, just blood and whispers.  
And then a woman was screaming from her grave as a figure stepped into the doorway.  
Jack spread another circle of salt around him, hands shaking as he broke eye contact with the spectre. It was just a ghost. It couldn’t hurt him.  
The figure inched closer, laughing softly, but stopping just outside the outer circle.  
Jack’s hands shook as he dialed, closing his eyes so he didn’t have to see the blood.  
“Jack…?” The man on the other line murmured sleepily.  
“Hilda was wrong.” Jack gasped out, heart thundering in his chest as he heard more screams. “I’m… Its here…. Its here and its bad.”  
“Jack.” The other man said, voice tight. “Get out of there. Don’t stay there. I will be there in a moment.  
Jack opened his eyes, stomach dropping as he realized the ghost was now on the bed with him, inside every white protective ring.

In the morning they found Jack dead on his bed, sugar scattered everywhere around the room originating from a box accidentally labeled ‘salt’.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ship in a bottle. The sails are made out of stock market prices  
> Happy Cow figurine  
> Tuxedo mask mask  
> L’eau du clochard  
>  ~~Shovel~~  
>  Headlight fluid  
>  ~~A box of salt~~  
>  ~~Mind control device~~  
>  ~~A tank driving manual labeled “6 pedals, 4 directions”~~  
>  Spandex cleaner  
>  ~~Cat tree~~  
>  ~~sledgehammer~~


	7. Mind Control Device

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As requested by CathInTheBox

The corpirate smiled as he stared over the city, heart pounding with the beat of victory. It had been a year since they had finally perfected their mind control and not even XRay and Vav or Mogar had been able to resist their tech.  
Ryan was sitting behind the desk, going over plans for strengthening the signal, his crown still as crooked as always. The man looked good now that he had a kingdom to rule, his eyes bright as the northern star and as blue as the caribbean ocean.  
Geoff would have never succeeded without him. Geoff would have never even gotten close. They were opposites yes, Geoff favoring brute strength and the traditions of the sea while Ryan’s methods were to outwit and to follow no rules, but they both had come together under a common goal.  
That goal was sitting in the next room over, trying to fix a cracked chair leg and humming under his breath.  
They had never had the chance to implant the anti-mind control device in Jack. This was not a beam that anyone could be immune to according to Ryan’s calculations and tests, but Jack remained unaffected when even the strongest willed failed. He occasionally had migranes, and they had debated installing a chip just to be safe, but their lover was fine and he even remained oblivious to the changed world.  
Even now, with Ryan’s plans for Canada in clear view on the desk, and their condo’ clear view of the slave labour building monuments in the center of the city, Jack came out and only had eyes for the other men. As a coliseum made from broken car parts and other scrap was built in what had once been a sports field, Jack came over to Geoff and kissed him softly. “I think we should get pizza for supper.”  
“Aye,” Geoff purred, spinning them around so he could press Jack against the glass. Their deck was just outside and the glass was shatterproof, meaning he was in no danger of accidentally hurting his bearded lover, but it did something to see his two greatest conquests at once. “An how will ye earn such a feast?”  
Ryan laughed, rising from the desk to come join them, his coat shoes, socks, and tie missing so he was just left in that ridiculous kilt and a white shirt. There were finger like bruises on his calf. “I have some ideas.”  
“As do I.” Jack smirked, pulling Ryan in for a kiss, and then Geoff, before the three were lost to the fun.  
The windows were smudged when Geoff woke again, and there was a blanket wrapped around himself and Jack, as well as pillows under their beds. Ryan was lounging outside, dressed in only the kilt and enjoying the summer sun.  
Geoff kissed Jack, then stood, going out to see what the other man was up to.  
“Its beautiful isn’t it?” Ryan asked, looking over the skyline. “This new world.”  
“And its all ours.” The pirate said, glancing to where the rivers were being dammed, the intent being to flood most of the city with seawater. He wanted to the rail, glancing out over everything.  
Ryan stood, coming up behind him. “It could be just mine.” A heavy hand landed on Geoff’s shoulder and his heart dropped. “But I’m glad I have you both.”  
Geoff let out a relieved huff, hiding it in a chuckle and leaning over to kiss Ryan. “Me too.”  
One day Ryan could change his mind, but Geoff wouldn’t mind. They had Jack, they had the world, and for now they were family.  
And when he grew old like that. When they chose a baby, implanted it with the chip and raised it to be their heir, his family never betrayed him.  
And when Jack died of old age, when their empire was collapsing and the people were gaining immunity to their tech and rebelling, Ryan and Geoff jumped from their condo balcony together, still happily in love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ship in a bottle. The sails are made out of stock market prices  
> Happy Cow figurine  
> Tuxedo mask mask  
>  ~~L’eau du clochard~~  
>  ~~Shovel~~  
>  Headlight fluid  
>  ~~A box of salt~~  
>  ~~Mind control device~~  
>  ~~A tank driving manual labeled “6 pedals, 4 directions”~~  
>  Spandex cleaner  
>  ~~Cat tree~~  
>  ~~sledgehammer~~


End file.
